Thursday, April 24, 2014

Stories that are not ballets that should be


So it's nearing the end of the semester, which means my friend and I who are in charge of my ballet club have to sit down and suffer through trying to figure out how to put on the performance we promised all our bright new recruits at the beginning of the year. This has proven to be not easy, but while I was brainstorming I realized that there are a ton of fantastic stories that some people consider un-balletable, that can't be put into ballet format. Let me just tell you now: they're wrong. I shall now present to you my findings, a number of tales that should be made into ballets.

Harrry Potter
Now think of how great they would all look in tutus. Photocred to
So what if it's seven books long and would probably need two thousand acts? All that stuff after chapter one and before the end of Deathly Hallows isn't that important anyway. You want three acts? Act One: Harry goes to Hogwarts and meets Dumbledore and learns magic. Act Two: Snape kills Dumbledore and runs away to live happily ever after with Voldemort and Harry cries. Act Three: Harry beats Voldemort in a charged dance that involves other people dressed in spandex unitards and sparkly capes romping around being the magic. If we're feeling ambitious, we can even stick in a prologue where Voldemort scars baby Harry. Bam. Done. No problem.

The Hunger Games
They're already in costume and makeup! Photo from
Ballet is all about tragic death and love triangles, so Hunger Games fits right in, easy. There are so many moments that would translate fabulously to ballet, like when Katniss kills people, or when she kills people, or like, when she kills people. The only possible flaw in this is getting all the dead people off stage after they die, since we can't exactly hover them up in space crafts. But if you just stick in some pas de deux make out scenes with Peeta or Gale, I'm sure no one will notice.

Hilarious comic by zombiebackrub on deviant art.
This has the potential to be an awesome ballet because it would explore dance as a form of expression for insects! Plus, it's a tragedy. It's probably every ballerina's dream to perform as a giant cockroach anyway. It might not fill seats, since people generally don't like looking at roaches even when they aren't human-sized. On the plus side, the set would be super easy because all of it happens in one room.

Men in Black
Photo taken from
Just imagine Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones rushing about the city with their cool, shiny guns and zapping aliens, except instead of just running like amateurs, they'd be doing all sorts of leaps and pirouettes! I don't know how easy it'd be to dance in black suits, BUT if we're doing the first movie, we can reuse the cockroach costume from Metamorphosis! Thrifty, hey.

Life is But a Dream: The Beyonce Documentary
Those ballet heels look like the most uncomfortable shoes ever. And I wear pointe shoes on a daily basis. Photo from
I don't think this needs to be said, but, Beyonce. So yes. Never mind that Beyonce is a singer and ballet lacks any verbal communication. People would go to a Beyonce ballet just to see her point to the left. And think of all the cool things we could do with a ballet version of Single Ladies! Beyonce's life is such an amazing story that it is necessary to be documented in any form of media or expression possible. While we're at it, we should ballet-ize Justin Bieber's documentary too! Wait, no.

Photo from DeviantArt user Evil-Ai.
Guy ballet dancers are super fit, and Bruce Wayne is super fit, therefore, Batman should be a ballet. The climax could be a pas de deux between Batman and the Joker. We could get one of those holster/rope/pulley thingys that send people flying through the air. For an added touch, catch some real bats and put them onstage.
A few other ballet-able stories worth mentioning are Star Trek, Dragonball Z, Finding Nemo, The Terminator, Pokemon, and the Bible. Anyone else think of any?

For some reason my friend didn't consider my brilliant ideas very useful, but eventually I'll get around to putting them together and then I'll get full credit. In the meantime, Bolshoi, ABT, Mariinsky; get on it.

No comments:

Post a Comment